Here Comes The Sun
by illdrownwiththisship
Summary: Callie has suffered severe trauma's over the last years, now that it's finally over she's going to start recovering. Can she get over all that has happened to her? Can she finally start letting people in? How about love? Is she capable of loving someone?
1. Chapter 1

She couldn't do it, she couldn't walk through that door. All the memories that flushed back to her mind stopped her dead in her tracks. She wanted to but she couldn't move. Every step she had taken so far felt like climbing a mountain, like crossing a battlefield. She had been fighting so hard to get here but she just couldn't do it. Taking in a deep breath she turned around, facing away from the door. I need to do this. She knew she needed too but her fears and her doubts were preventing her from making the next move. What if the person in there doesn't believe her, it happened before. She had confided in people, asked for advice but they just wouldn't believe her words. She had finally found the courage to talk to someone about it and they just wouldn't believe her. After that, she had completely shut down. Now, almost a year later she decided that something needed to happen. Something had to change. All this time she had thought the worst part was over when everything had stopped. She was wrong. The worst part started after; the aftermath, if you will.

She turned back around, facing the door once more. Closing her eyes, clenching her fists. Be strong, you can do this. Opening her eyes, she took a step forward. Her heart racing as she knocked on the door. "Come in," a female voice came from behind the door. She breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped it had been a woman but you never know. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. The room was cozy. It had all earth tinted colors and a dark brown couch in the middle. A small coffee table with a box of tissues on it. In the corner was a desk where the woman whose voice had welcomed her in sat. She had long blond hair and glasses on the tip of her nose. She guessed her age to be around 40.

"Hi, my name is Callie Torres… I have an appointment," there, the words were out. She spoke out loud. Which was a good thing. Recently she had found herself not being able to speak when she was anxious or nervous. Also she couldn't speak when she became too emotional. That's one of the reasons she was here.

"Hey Callie," the woman stood up from behind her desk and walked towards her. "I'm Alyx Mall," she reached out her hand to shake Callie's. "Nice to meet you, Callie."

"Yeah, you too," She couldn't look into her eyes afraid that she'll shut down.

"Have a seat, wherever you are most comfortable," Callie followed Alyx's hand towards a corner she had not yet seen. There were 3 chairs placed around a small table, which also had a box of tissues on top. She followed her hand again as it pointed to the couch.

"I think I want to sit in a chair, if that's okay?" Her voice was low and uncertain.

"Of course, you want coffee or anything else?" Alyx asked walking over to the door but stopped to wait for an answer.

"Coffee would be nice, thank you." Callie took of her jacket and placed it in the chair next to her before she sat down.

A couple minutes later Alyx came back in with two cups of coffee in her hand. She put two bags of sugar and two bags of cream on the table next to Callie's coffee cup. "I didn't know what you wanted in your coffee," Alyx smiled.

"Black," Callie replied glancing up at the blond. She watched as Alyx walked back to her desk and opened the top drawer to take out some files. She walked back to where Callie was and sat down on the chair across from her.

"So, Callie…" She opened the file. "You were sent here by your doctor?" It was more a statement than a question. Like she was asking for confirmation.

"Yes," Callie answered shortly.

"Can you tell me what the reason is that he sent you here?" Alex crossed her legs and leaned forward with her elbow on her knee. She held the folder up against her chest.

"Well… Uhm… She uuh… She sent me here because I've been experiencing some physical discomfort and they can't find a medical explanation for it." Callie looked down at her hands that were placed on her lap. Her knuckles pale from the grip that they held each other with.

"You're a doctor yourself, right?" Alyx looked at her folder again.

"Surgeon, I'm a surgeon." Callie corrected her.

"So what do you think?" Alyx flipped a page in the folder and took a pen that was laying on the table.

"What do I think about what?" Callie fired back, she didn't like to be questioned and this is what that felt like. She crossed her arms and sat back in her chair.

"About your physical pain, do you think there's a medical reason for it?" Alex looked up from the folder.

"They haven't done every exam that's out there. Do could do a head CT an MRI, whatever. I do know that my doctor doesn't think it is a medical condition, she thinks it's a mental issue," Callie showed no emotion what so ever. She kept her face straight and she could feel herself detaching with every minute that passes.

"Okay, so what are you experiencing? Physical wise." Alyx took a sip from her coffee and that reminded Callie about hers.

"There's a few things," Callie took a deep breath, "I have trouble sleeping; it takes a while before I fall asleep and when I do I suffer from nightmares. I usually don't wake up but sometimes I do. I know I have nightmares because I wake up drenched from sweating so much and sometimes things are kicked over and laying on the floor. I don't remember most of them though." She looked at Alyx trying to read her, trying to figure out what she was thinking. When she didn't find anything she continued.  
"Sometimes, I can't talk. Like, literally. I can't get words out." Again looking at the woman sitting across from her. Alyx gave her a small nod which encouraged Callie to continue.  
"I've been throwing up a lot lately. Also I've been having days that I don't really remember what happened. Or I'll 'wake up' somewhere and don't remember how I got there." She air quoted the words 'wake up' because she knows she hadn't been sleeping. "I think that's about it. I was fine but now people around me are noticing and it seems to get worse. I can't function normally at work."

She leaned forward and reached for her coffee, bringing the cup to her mouth.

"Okay… I wrote this all down but, Callie?" Alyx looked up. Sitting at the edge of her seat, her hands gasped together.

"Y-yes?" Callie felt nervous. She didn't like sentences that ended with but. Anything could come after that but.

"How are you still functioning at all?" Alyx asked in awe, her head was slightly tilted to the side. Like she was studying Callie.

"Oh…" Callie didn't expect that question and so she didn't have an answer. Thinking back at all the things she had just mentioned to Alyx she felt a lump grow in her throat. "Uhm… I d-don't know." A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"We're going to patch you up, Callie Torres." Alyx smiled. "Right now I just want to ask you some neutral questions, nothing scary, like… Where did you grow up? How was the relationship between you and your parents? What do you like to do in your free time? I want to establish a relationship with you, I want to earn you trust. Does that sound okay to you?"

Callie flinched at the word trust. She promised herself she would never trust anyone again. This had turned out to be harder than she thought it was going to be because as a surgeon you need to trust your co-workers, you need to trust your patients and you need to trust yourself. She wasn't even sure if she did, trust herself, she let herself down so many times. Making promises that she never followed through.

"Honestly?" She questioned and continued when Alyx nodded. "I have a hard time trusting other people, I have a hard time trusting myself. And, no offense you seem really nice, but you are a complete stranger. How am I supposed to trust you when I don't even know you?"

"That's a really good question," Alyx bends down over the folder and writes something down, "I'm a psychologist, Callie… I am a stranger but I'm also someone who won't judge you and who signed a contract stating she'll protect her patient. Which, I know for a fact you did too. You don't know me but I don't know you either. I'm just trying to help you, you have to remember that." Alyx took another sip from her coffee and Callie followed her lead.

After a moment of silence Callie replied, "Okay, I'm… I... I just never did anything like this before and It's scary. You know, one moment you're doing everything on your own and the next you are talking to a shrink-" Callie winched, "Sorry…" Receiving a smirk from Alyx she continued, "because your life is so messed up."

"I know this is a big step but I promise you that it's going to make your life's quality so much better. But I won't lie to you… It might get worse before it gets better."

"Ha, believe me… My life can't get worse than it already is." Callie smirked.

Alyx returned her smirk. "We'll see."

"Are you challenging me?" Callie raised her eyebrow. How bold.

"Am I challenging you to get worse before you get better?" Alyx shook her head. "Of course not. I'm challenging you to face this chapter of your life. If you truly want to feel better and return to your normal self, this is what you have to do. This is where you need to be." The blond woman smiled. It was kind and gentle. Like a soft, warm pillow that was inviting you to let go of those climbing bars and just fall down. Fall fast and hard but land softly and walk away from it like nothing ever happened.

"Challenge accepted," Callie nodded firmly.

"Great," Alyx's smile grew wider, "are you ready for the neutral questions?"

"Bring it on," Callie accepted that she was going to have to fight harder than she ever did before. An hour ago she thought this was where the fight ended. She had fought to get here and she won. She wasn't unknown to an ugly fight but for this one she had to prepare and she could feel it in her bones. She had already went through so much and when everything had stopped she thought she was done fighting. But she wasn't done, she hadn't finished her battle. Her battle was just beginning. Her biggest battle was yet to come and she was going to be ready. Bring it on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys,**

**So this time I figured I would add a A/N lol. Thanks for all the follows and favorites! You guys rock! :) I hope you enjoy, I got another 3 chapters ready after this and I'm also currently working on a SwanQueen story, so keep an eye out for that :). **

**Oh annddddd... They're not my characters (allllll Shonda's!) except Alyx, she is. :) To my BETA; I love you, thank you! **

* * *

Callie was leaning on the desk at the nurse's station. Tired didn't begin to cover how she felt. She felt weak and lifeless and she still had 4 hours to go. With all the sleep she wasn't getting and with the long shifts she was working at the hospital she was beyond exhausted. She had been working extra shifts in the ER ever since her father disowned her. It was hard but she wouldn't be dependent on someone who didn't accept her for who she was. She always had been close with her parents and her sister but ever since she told them about her first girlfriend, Erica, they had completely turned their backs on her. Even when she called her sister, Aria, to tell her how Erica had left her in the parking lot of the hospital they wouldn't reconsider being a family again. So ever since then, she stopped trying. She had accepted that her family was no longer her family and she had accepted that she had to take care of herself now. In a way she always had just not financially. Her family didn't know, and will never know, what happened to her and what all she had to deal with on her own. So here she was, working her ass off to earn the extra money she needed to pay for her apartment. Her 24 hour shift was close to ending and then she would work another shift just 8 hours later.

"Dr. Torres, I've got the scans from the patient in room 302. Seems better, I just wanted you to look at it before we discharge him." A young intern, who Callie completely forgot her name from was looking at her with these overly excited eyes. It annoyed her. She was who Callie used to be. Before she got sucked into this dark and lonely place. She used to be excited about the small things but these days… Nothing seem to excite Callie anymore. She felt numb inside.

"You just wanted me to look at it?" Callie finally realizing what the intern had said. She turned her body fully towards her and raised her eyebrows. "You know nothing, you're a baby doctor… You always let me see things and you don't even draw a conclusion unless I ask you, understood!?" She demanded. She didn't realize how loud she was talking until she took in her surroundings. Everybody was staring at her, you could hear a needle drop. It was that quite. "What are you all staring at? Get back to work." She calmly turned back to the charts that she was supposed to be working on. Instead, she was leaning on the desk to catch her breath. Everybody around her started moving again. The nurse behind the desk looked at her with a raised eyebrow. She had been working here longer than Callie had, she loved working with her because she knew exactly what Callie needed and didn't beat around the bush. "What, Eilleen?" she snarled.

"Oh, DR. Torres, absolutely nothing. Everything is just peachy." Sarcasm laying thick in her voice. The nurse turned around and went into the small office space behind the nurse's station. Callie let out a sigh. She knew it was rare that she raised her voice but everyone just got on her nerves these days. The rant inside her head once again got disturb by her phone ringing in her lab coat's pocket. She took it out and didn't even look at the caller I.D. before answering.

"Dr. Callie Torres speaking," her voice was monotone and didn't hold any kind of emotion.

"Well, hello, Dr. Callie Torres. This is Dr. Addison Montgomery speaking. Gjeez, Call, you sound like one of those advertisement callers who's been on the phone all day. What got your panties in a twist?" She heard her best friend let out a laugh and she couldn't help but snicker along with her.

"I'm sorry, Adds… Just… a hard day. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Callie smiled at the sound of her best friend's laugh that came through her speakers' once more. Smiling, she wasn't sure if she remembered how that worked, looks like she still got it.

"Oh, you know, I just miss my friend. It's been too long. I was actually wondering what you are doing next week." She could hear the sincerity and the excitement in her voice.

It touched her, someone was actually missing her. Addison had left a couple of years ago and left her and Mark behind. They had been the three musketeers but after she left it was just them two. Almost a year ago Mark passed away. It left her heartbroken and alone. Of course she had an entire hospital filled with colleagues but no one seemed interesting enough or not interested in her enough to be her best friend. So ever since he passed, she's been a lone wolf.

"I miss you too Addy." She couldn't help the small smile that crept on her face. "Uhm… besides work and an appointment, I have nothing planned. Why? What are you up to?" Callie's curiosity was raised.

"They are forcing me to take up my vacation days, apparently I've got too many." She could hear the unbelief drenched in her friends voice.

"So, what are you saying?" A little spark of hope peaked under the surface as the realization of Addison maybe coming to visit made its way to her brain. "Are you coming to Seattle!?" Her excitement reached levels it hasn't had in so long.

"You, my friend, will have to pick me up from the airport next Saturday!" Her friend sounded equally excited. This was going to be great. It was going to be her and Addison just like the good old days.

"Oh my god, I'll be there Friday! This is going to be fantastic, Addy!" She laughed, not being able to control her excitement. She heard her friend laugh again.

"Okay, Call, calm down. Saturday will be just fine! Can't wait, see you then!"

"See you then!" She heard her friend hang up and with a big smile she put her phone back into her pocket.

With a little more energy than before she got the phone call, she walks to the attending's lounge and decided to lay down on the couch while the last 3 hours of her shift drift by. If they needed her, they could page her. She actually felt like maybe she could get some sleep tonight and she wanted to benefit from every moment of it.

3 hours later

Callie woke up from an unpleasant feeling in her side. Moving from her side to her back a loud voice woke her up completely. "Callie Torres, I swear if you don't get off my couch I'll kick your ass."

"Gjeez, Bailey, calm down… What time is it?" Callie stretched her now sore body and looked around to try and get a sense of time but there was nothing there that could tell her how long she had slept for.

"It's time for you to get up and go home, this is my couch for the next hour. GO!" She heard the desperation in Bailey's voice. She sat up and grabbed her phone from her pocket. Pushing the button that lit up her screen, she saw that it was 11 o'clock and her 24 hour shift had ended. Letting out a sigh she looked up at Bailey who was just staring at her annoyed.

"Couch is all yours, Bailey." Callie grabbed her lab coat from the chair next to the couch and left for the locker room where she changed quickly and left for home.

She walked up the stairs that lead to her apartment when she heard loud noises coming from the hallway. Fear immediately hit her and the hairs in the back of her neck stood up. It didn't stop her and she kept walking up the stairs. Once she could see the hallway, she saw boxes near the apartment across from hers. Seems like she finally got someone living across from her again. After Mark had died she had kept the apartment just to keep his memory alive. She had already been struggling with one apartment and after a couple of months it just became financially impossible to keep it. So, she had let it go. Seeing boxes near his front door made her miss him. She still remembered the day he moved in there.

She shook the emotions off and headed for her door when a woman came walking out of the apartment and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Callie. Callie responded the same, like she had hit a wall. She couldn't move. She looked at her and she could see the woman had seen the same thing. She was absolutely beautiful, stunning. Blond, half long hair and bright blue eyes. The jeans she was wearing, hugged her in all the right places. The baby blue shirt with the v shaped collar made her blue eyes pop. Callie shook her head when she realized she had just been standing there staring at her. It was only seconds but it felt like minutes. She could stand there forever and stare at her and Callie would be okay with it.

"I'm sorry, how rude, you must be my new neighbor?" She walked up to her and offered her hand.

Callie took it, "Yeah, if you're moving in than that would be correct." She smiled and took her hand.

"Arizona Robbins," She smiled. Dear god, that smile. "Nice to meet you."

"Callie Torres," she let go of her hand.

They just stood there. Nothing was being said but Callie didn't want to leave. She just wanted to stay right here and look at her. She felt like she was dreaming. This woman has to be the most beautiful one she had ever seen before. This was getting awkward, this needed to stop.

"So, yeah… Uhm… I live across your apartment. I'm going to bed right now but if you need anything, you know where to find me," She winked. I winked. Callie started to feel embarrassed and decided it was for the best to just walk away from this situation before it got more awkward.

"Thank, Callie, that's so nice of you." Again, the smile. Just walk away, Torres. She could hear Mark's voice in the back of her head. She couldn't stop the chuckle that came out. She hoped Arizona hadn't noticed but the look on her face told her otherwise.

"Okay, b-bye," Callie practically fled for her front door. Searching wildly for the keys in her handbag, finally finding them it took her three tries to get the key in the whole and she could feel Arizona's eyes burning through her leather jacket. So embarrassing. She shook her head before opening her door. Looking back once more and smiling sweetly before walking in and closing the door behind her. She slid, with her back against the door, to the ground. She covered her face with her hands. "Shit, shit, shit." She mumbled to herself. I'm in trouble.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the weekend Callie had stayed home and declined several offers from Cristina to go out. The only reason Cristina had reached out to her was because her and Meredith weren't talking. She was second best for Yang. Instead, she had cleaned her apartment and tried to get as much sleep as possible. The last time she had 2 days off was… She couldn't even remember when she had two days off. She caught up with some of her favorite series and cooked herself a nice dinner. She found herself digging through her dresser drawers for her photo albums that held precious memories of her, Addison and Mark. She had lost track of time and 2 hours later she finally got up and it wasn't until than that she realized her cheeks were wet from the tears she had shed. She missed him so much. She missed him every day.

Feeling like she needed some fresh air, she changed from her PJ's to simple jeans and shirt and left her apartment. She walked down the stairs and wasn't paying attention when her body suddenly collided with something. "Oomph," Callie looked up and realized she had walked into Arizona, "God, I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention." Callie had grabbed her arm in a reflex which had prevented the blond from falling back down the stairs. Looking at it she quickly let go. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, no problem! I'm good, thank you for saving me though," The blond let out a soft giggle. Callie smiled at the kindness of the blond. Any other person would have scolded at her.

"Good, well I gotta go," Callie rushed, not wanting another awkward moment like she had a couple of days ago. The embarrassment didn't go away until a day later.

"Okay, have a good evening, Callie!" She heard the blond vaguely but she was already on her way further down the stairs. She contemplated going back up and say something back but decided not to. Instead, she yelled a quick "thanks" and exited the building.

Once outside she took in a deep breath, the cold temperature stinging her lungs but not in an unpleasant manner. She loved the cold, she loved seeing her breath as it hit the coldness outside. It somehow reminded her that she was actually alive. She started walking with no particular destination in mind. Walking had always helped her sort out the thoughts in her head. Sometimes she would think about big, life changing things and the other times it was something small like what she would have for dinner that night. She wasn't a big fan of crowded places so often she would walk somewhere quiet and peaceful.

She thought about Mark and how she wished he was here to help her deal with everything. He was the only one who knew. The only one she opened up too and believed her. He had been so mad at first. Mad because it had taken her so long to tell him. Mad because he cared. It was the good kind of mad. He had held her at nights that she couldn't sleep. He had come over when she was scared. He had wiped her tears off her face whenever she was upset or sad. He had taken care of her when she was wounded. If she didn't have him back then she would have never survived, she would have ended it herself. He got her through it and now he was gone. The next chapter in her life, she didn't have him for. She was on her own. She wished he was here when everything ended. He would have been so happy for her. She wished he could be here for her to see her get better. So he could see the true Callie. The one that's behind all these layers of hurt.

She looked up and to her surprise she was at the cemetery. In front of her was Mark's grave stone. She must have zoned out during her walk because she didn't even know how she got here. She didn't even know the time. The cemetery is at least an hour walk from her apartment, had she been gone this long? The sun was starting to set and she could hear some owls that had nested in one of the tall trees that were surrounding the grave yard. Feeling her pockets she realized she had forgotten her phone and had no way of finding out what time it was nor could she call a cab. "Crap," she spoke out loud. She looked around and saw the exit. She started walking again. Secretly hoping she would zone out again so the walk home wouldn't take so long. Once she exited the cemetery she took a left. She found herself walking faster than she normally does. She also noticed her heart rate was slightly higher. She was scared. It was getting dark fast and she was terrified of the dark. You never knew what was hiding behind a corner. The first road she had to walk down was quiet and peaceful, just how she liked it, during the day. Now it was dark she felt everything except comfortable. She started running. Her breathing getting harder as she ran as fast as she could. Looking back over her shoulder every now and then to make sure she wasn't followed. Finally she reached the end of the road. Cars were driving by and it made her less scared and anxious to know there were people around. She saw two women walking towards her. "Hey, excuse me, can I ask for a favor?" Callie smiled sweetly, getting the attention from the blond and redhead.

"Yeah, go for it," the blond smiled back.

"Could I borrow one of your phones; to call for a cab? I forgot it at home and it's at least an hour walk." Callie clapped her hands together in a praying manner and pouted her lip.

"Yeah, here, use mine," the redhead spoke up, handing Callie her phone.

"Thank you so much!" Callie exclaimed excited. She dialed the familiar number of her favorite cab company. She told the man who answered the address and hung up. She reached in her jacket pocket and took out some change.

"Thanks, you're a live safer! Here, take some coins. It'll cover the phone charges," She smiled again handing the redhead her phone back.

"Don't be silly, keep your money," The redhead smiled back.

"Have a goodnight!" the blond and redhead spoke simultaneously before walking off.

It took about 5 minutes for the cab to show up and drive her back to her apartment. She walked up the stairs and once she reached the hallway she noticed new boxes. Again? She walked over to her new neighbor's front door and saw that it was open. "Arizona?" Callie spoke loud enough so the blond could hear it from anywhere in her apartment.

"Yes?" A loud answer came before she saw her walking out of Mark's old bedroom. "Oh, hey! Callie!" The blond sounded excited. Was she always this freaking happy? Callie wondered to herself.

She didn't really know why she had called for the blond so she had to come up with an excuse, fast.

"Do you need any help? I thought you were done unpacking yesterday but there's new boxes in the hallway," Callie would smack herself in the face if she wasn't in Arizona's company.

"Oh no, I'm good. These are the last boxes, they arrived today," the blonde waved it away.

"Are you sure? It's getting kind of late, you don't have work in the morning?" Callie asked. She was getting better at this.

"Oh no, I start tomorrow night," The blond seemed to relax more as she leaned against the door post.

"Night shifts, huh? I hate them," Callie laughed.

"Yeah me too, what do you do?" the blond asked.

"I'm an orthopedic surgeon at Sloan Grey Memorial… What do you do?" Callie also felt more relaxed. At least she was able to make conversation now. That was a big step.

"Really? That is so awesome! I'm a pediatric surgeon, I start my new job tomorrow!" Again, the excitement was radiating from her face.

"Wow, PEDs… Hardcore!" Callie laughed. Her excitement was contagious.

"Ortho… Badass!" Arizona winked at her. Callie felt a blush creeping up her cheeks and the relaxed state she was in disappeared.

"Y-Yeah… Well… I have an early morning so if you're sure you don't need my help than I'll leave you be," The Latina shifted from one foot to the other. Looking down and playing with the zipper of her jacket. Grow a pair, Torres. Again, Mark in the back of her mind.

"Oh, please, I'm good. Get some sleep. Dr. Callie," Arizona drawled out the new nickname she had given Callie. She swallowed hard at the blonde's low and husky way of pronouncing her name.

"Thanks, you too… I mean… uh… have a good night," Callie stuttered out the words and her face became even redder. How was it possible to be so flustered by this woman? She turned around and again bolted for her front door. Hello yet another day of feeling embarrassed. Once she was behind closed doors she shook her head and jumped two times, trying to shake the feeling off. Why did Arizona have this effect on her? What was it with the perky blonde that made her feel so on edge around her? She shook her head once more and walked over to the kitchen to get herself a glass of wine. She grabbed the remote that was in one of the drawers in her kitchen and turned on her stereo. She wasn't going to be able to sleep feeling like this maybe the wine and some nice music would calm her down and would stop her mind from going a hundred miles per hour. She sat down on the couch and took a sip of her wine when she heard a knock on her door. "Strange," Callie whispered to herself. She got up and walked towards the front door. She looked through the peep hole. Blond curls and blue eyes. Callie sighed and couldn't help the smile that was forming on her face. She opened the door and leaned against it preventing the blond from being able to see her apartment. She was weird like that. This was her safe place… The only place where nothing ever happened to her. Her apartment and the hospital. She had a hard time letting people she didn't know into her safe place. It hurt her and it sure made it harder to make friends. She reminded herself to talk about it With Alyx when she would see her again this upcoming week.

"Hey-" the blonde snapped her out of her rant, "are you okay? You seemed far away." Arizona's head slightly tilted to the side. She saw something familiar flash through the blue eyes. Was it... concern?

"Oh, no, I'm fine… My mind wandered off, sorry. Can I help you?" Callie gave her an apologetic smile.


	4. Chapter 4

"Actually, I would like your opinion on something. I know you told me you were going to go to bed but I could hear your music in the hall way so I assumed it would be safe to knock on the door. I wouldn't normally do this but like I said the music indicated that you were still awake, I'm sorry… I can come back another time-" Callie smiled at the rambling blond.

"Arizona, its fine. You assumed right. I needed to unwind first, I wasn't asleep yet. I'll give you my opinion, stop rambling." Callie laughed softly. She didn't want her to think that she was making fun of her. Arizona looked her in the eyes and smiled. You didn't even have to see her smile because you could see it right there in her beautiful blue eyes. "I do really need to get up early though so we have to keep it short, okay?" Callie offered another apologetic smile.

"Yeah, no… Of course!" Arizona beamed. Callie grabbed the keys that were placed on the side table next to the door and closed the door behind her. She followed Arizona across the hallway and hesitated slightly. She used to go back and forth between these apartments all the time when Mark lived here. It was such a habit that she didn't even put her shoes on. She stepped inside and let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

"Callie, are you okay?" Arizona's was standing in Mark's kitchen waiting for Callie to join her. Callie had frozen when she set foot in the apartment. A flash of memories fell over her.

"Yeah… Just… Old memories," she smiled. Feeling better. They weren't bad memories but she couldn't help but feel the sadness that came with those memories nowadays.

"Of your old neighbor?" Callie raised an eyebrow but quickly realized Arizona wasn't pushing, just curious.

"Yes, he was my best friend-" she shook her head, "what did you need my opinion on?" she quickly changed the subject. She couldn't talk about Mark without starting to cry. She definitely didn't want to cry in front of Arizona.

Callie helped Arizona decide between a build in garbage disposer or a dishwasher. The Latina didn't have to think long about that one, of course she needed to pick the dishwasher. After that she helped her decide on the color and on the brand. She had kept it short and went home early. Once she got home she put on her PJ's and went to bed. Falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

The next day

Callie had been stuck in surgery all day. Operating on one trauma after the other. She wasn't going home anytime soon. The car accident which involved at least 15 cars was keeping all the surgeons at the hospital. Nobody would be going home tonight. She closed her patient up and left the OR to scrub her hands. She leaned on the sink and took in a deep breath. This was the first moment she had gotten to herself since this morning. She slept like a baby though so she wasn't tired, just processing what all she saw today. She had been a surgeon for years now but that didn't mean that she wasn't affected by what her patients went through. Three people had died today even though none of them were her patients she still felt for the families and loved ones that they left behind. Her thoughts were interrupted by the loud beeping of her pager. She sighed and took of her scrub cap before exiting the scrub room.

Callie walked into the pit looking around for who paged her. "Someone paged ortho!?" She raised her voice trying to be heard over the commotion that was going on.

"Yes! Bed 5!" she heard one of the nurses reply.

She walked over to the bed that was closed off from the pit by a curtain. Opening it in one swift motion she was met with big blue eyes. "Hey, Callie! I was hoping I would see you here," Arizona smiled widely at her.

"A-Arizona? What are you doing here?" Callie looked at the young boy on the bed and walked over to the foot end of the bed, grabbing the charge. Trying to keep herself busy but internally freaking out. Arizona was here. Working.

"I work here, Dr. Callie," She smiled again, "This here is Matthew he was in a car accident today. Can you take a look at his leg?"

"Sure thing-" She nodded at Arizona. "Hi, Matthew. My name is Dr. Torres, can I take a look at your leg?" The little boy looked really scared but nodded his head. She removed the blankets from his leg.

"I'm going to touch your leg now, if it hurts too much just say 'stop', okay?" She smiled at the boy trying to make him more comfortable. She turned her head towards Arizona.

"Where are his parents?" she whispered making sure the boy couldn't hear her. She focused her attention on the leg once more.

"Mom is in surgery and dad is on his way in," She felt Arizona's breath on her ear as she whispered. A shiver ran down her spine.

"O-okay," Callie stuttered as Arizona had succeeded in making her flustered, again.

"Okay Matthew, I think you broke your leg but we'll have to make a really cool picture to know for sure, okay?" She saw the tear stained tracks on his face. He nodded again. "You're going to be just fine, your dad will be here soon." She reassured him as he lit up at the mention of his dad.

"Possible femur fracture, get me an x-ray," Callie spoke to a young intern who basically started running before Callie could even finish her sentence. Raising her eyebrows, "Okay, thanks," she chuckled over the over-achieving student. She wrote down her notes on the chart and hung it back on the bed.

"Thanks for your consult, Dr. Torres," Callie saw the smirk on Arizona's face and turned her body towards her. She needed to take back control in this situation. She looked at the name tag the other doctor was wearing.

"My pleasure, Dr. Robbins," she stated. Intending to pronounce Arizona's name in a husky voice.

She walked away, leaving a stunned blond behind. Up until this last moment Arizona had had the upper hand. Callie was glad she could surprise the woman and take that smirk off her face and put it on her own.

Once everything had slowed down Callie went home. It had been a, on her part, successful day but a long one. She poured herself a glass of wine and laid down on her couch with some soft music playing in the background. Thirty minutes later she had finished her glass of wine and felt relaxed enough to go to bed. She changed into her PJ's and crawled under the covers.

She was running, faster and faster. Running but she wasn't moving. She could hear him getting closer. His panting becoming louder, she could practically smell his sweat. Tears were streaming down her face. "COME ON CALLIE, RUN!" She yelled at herself. Her legs were making the movement, why wasn't she moving!? She looked back over her shoulder but couldn't see him.

"Callie," he sang her name, "Callie, you can't run from me." Chills ran down her spine and a cold sweat formed on her forehead. "I can smell you Callie, I'm so close." She closed her eyes and her surroundings disappeared. She opened them again but nothing had changed, she was still running without moving.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" She yelled. She could feel his presence. She could feel he was close. She stopped running, what was the point if she wasn't moving anyway. She gave up, like she always did because she knew he was going to be stronger and faster.

"There you are," his rough voice was right behind her and she felt the hairs in the back of her neck stand up. He placed his hands on her shoulder and her body shocked. Tears streaming down her face. He pressed himself against her back and she could feel his breath on her shoulder. Looking down she realized she was now completely naked. She could have sworn she was wearing clothes just mere second earlier. His hands reached the front of her body. His hands playing with her breasts as Callie held in her breath, afraid to make sudden movements that will piss him off. She had learned from previous experiences that it was better to just cooperate. His hands lowering towards her stomach. A loud sob escaped her mouth. "Shut up," he growled. She nodded her head. Biting her lips preventing her from making another sound. She couldn't help the shaking of her body, though. He didn't seem to mind. His hands lowering once more. She gasped-

"NO!" she screamed out before she realized she had just woken up from a nightmare. She sat up on her bed and put her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly against her. She quickly wiped the tears that were still left on her face. Her breathing was fast and hard to control. In… and out. One. In… and out. Two. In… and out. Three. She kept counting until her breathing was back to normal. When her heart also found its normal rhythm she stretched her legs. She could already feel the muscle pain coming up from tensing her body. She checked for scratch marks but there didn't appear to be any. She looked around her room to make sure she hadn't kicked anything over. She felt so incredibly dirty. His hands had once again been on her body and she was disgusted with herself. She rubbed her arms to get rid of some of the dirty sensation but it didn't help. She slowly made her way over to the bathroom. She got undressed and stepped into her shower. She turned on the hot water and waited for it to actually get hot. She stepped under the stream and let out a deep breath. She leaned her forehead against the cool wall and let the heat rinse the dirt off of her. About 10 minutes later she sat down and grabbed the wash cloth that was laying in the corner. She also grabbed the bottle of body wash that was placed next to it and started scrubbing. She started with her arms, moved on to her legs, her breasts, her stomach and finally her thighs. Her skin burning from the pressure she had put on it while scrubbing. She let out a sigh of relief when she didn't feel dirty anymore. Any feeling was better than the feeling of being dirty. The feeling of his hands on her body. All she felt now was a slight burn. It had taken 45 minutes to feel clean again. She got up and got out of the shower. Dried her body, got dressed and crawled back under the covers in the hope that she didn't wake up again until the sun was up. Hoping that she didn't have to take another shower again tonight. Hoping that now, she could sleep peacefully.


	5. Chapter 5

Wednesday had come too soon for Callie's liking, the unsettling feeling in her stomach agreed. The last two days had been uneventful, nothing but some routine surgeries that she could have performed with her eyes closed. Her mind often wandering off to a certain blond doctor which made her feel on edge and anxious. She couldn't explain why. Because this girl someone new? No? Mark- Or because she's attractive? Did Callie lose her social skills, is that why she feels like this? On top of that she had her second therapy session today. She realized her session makes her feel anxious even though it was her choice to go. She had asked Hunt to give her the day off, he had given her a surprised look. Callie never took a day off. Last session Alyx had warned her that it could become pretty intense and she had advised to take her time, especially after the session.

Callie had suffered from another nightmare before she woke up. Luckily this time, it was time to wake up. She took a nice long, hot shower and made herself some coffee afterwards. She was getting used to having nightmares, she knew what she had to do to feel better. What scared her the most were the days where she didn't remember how she got to some place or when she had flashbacks. Flashback sucked. She would have full on panic attacks or would just completely shut off. Especially at work they became harder to hide and to control. She finished her coffee and looked at the time. Her appointment was at 11 so she had another 30 min left before she had to leave. She turned on some music and just laid on the couch. Mentally preparing her for her session.

Right on time, she left her front door and locked it before turning towards the steps.

"Hey, Callie!" She turned back around and noticed Arizona leaving her… Mark's apartment.

"Hey, day shift?" Callie really had no clue what else Arizona was going to do. She didn't really know her to begin with. Arizona headed for the stairs and Callie fell in step next to her.

"Actually, yes, good guess!" Arizona's smile took her breath away. Damn. Why was she so blown away by this woman? She could see Arizona's lip move as like she was saying something, Callie didn't hear a thing.

"Hmm. What?" Callie shook her head trying to focus on what she was saying instead of on her looks.

Arizona giggled, she caught me, before asking "Are you also working a day shift?"

"Oh," a slight blush was visible on Callie's cheeks, "no, I have an… a.. uhm.. an appointment" Callie nodded, proud she had at least found a word after stuttering.

Arizona looked at her with a curious expression. "Okay," Callie mentally prepared herself for a load of questions, "well, I hope you have a good appointment, Callie." The smile she gave her was so sincere Callie could have sworn she felt a small tug on her heart.

"Thanks, have a good day." Callie stopped right before the exit. Arizona was on her way to open the door when Callie interrupted her. "Would you like to come over for Dinner tonight?" She shocked herself with the question. She hadn't prepared anything like this in her mind so how could she just blurt it out like she did. Arizona's smile grew wider if it kept growing Callie might had to pick it off from the floor.

"I would really enjoy that, Callie!" She beamed. "I have to work until 7, is that okay, is it too late for you?" Callie smiled at the worry that crossed her face.

"No, that's fine with me! I'm used to eating late and irregular because of the hours we surgeons make." She laughed and was relieved that Arizona joined in her laughter.

"Great, I'll see you a little after 7!" She clapped her hands together once before exiting the building. Callie followed her but went the other direction.

After a short wait in the waiting area Alyx called her into the office. Callie took off her jacket and hung it on one of the hooks that were placed next to the door. She was nervous and her hands were slightly trembling. She walked over towards the chairs in the corner where they had sat the last time she was here. She put her bag next to her on the ground before sitting down. Her chair was placed in the corner of the room which provided her with a good overall view of the room. Callie always tried to find a spot in a room so she could see everything. So nothing could surprise her and there for nothing could scare her.

"Good to see you made it back, Callie" Alyx smiled and reached out her hand.

"Why, you didn't think I was going to show?" Callie asked half-jokingly, it definitely had crossed her mind. She shook Alyx's hand.

"This is the trickiest part of therapy. A lot of people make the first step but then get insecure and decide to not go through with it. The fact that you are here today shows me you are ready and willing to get better. How have you been since we last spoke?"

Callie felt a sense of proud and that brought a small smile to her face. "I've been okay, couple of nightmares, that's all." She wasn't lying or holding back. She actually had had a good week compared to the weeks she had before she decided to seek help.

"Nightmares, are they common?" Alyx had the folder in her hand again and started making notes.

"Yes, I have them frequently. Almost nightly, I had a good week though." Alyx nodded her head without looking up from her papers.

"What are they about?" Callie was taken by surprise at the question. Alyx had started so small and this felt like a big question to her.

"W-what do you mean?" Callie stuttered already her body temperature rising at the memories of her nightmares.

"Describe a nightmare to me." Alyx had looked up. Callie could see the comfort in her eyes.

"They are mostly about, uhm, a person from my past who I'm trying to get away from but I can't move and in the end uhm, that person gets to me." Callie rubbed her hands together. Her heart rate slightly speeding and she was trying hard to control her breathing.

"You can't move your body?" Alyx asked.

"No my body moves but I'm not going forward."

"Okay, and the person you are referring too?" she asked while scrabbling more down some more.

"What about him?" Callie had a confused look on her face. She couldn't quite read Alyx's.

"Callie, you came her for help." Alyx sighed. "So far you haven't given me any real information about what happened. Sure, I know what you are dealing with on a daily basis but something is causing it and unless you tell me I can't help you." Callie was flabbergasted and honestly a little offended.

"Listen, Doc¸ I came here to get help. I came here to talk. I've kept this, the thing that's causing all this,-" she pointed at herself, "to myself for 7 years. Give me a little freaking time!" Callie's voice was raised and she could see the surprised look on Alyx's face. The blonde therapist nodded her head and had a small smile on her face. "Why are you smiling?" Callie's attitude thick on her voice.

"Because this is the first time you showed any emotion," Alyx wrote something down. "You've been short in your answers and not really showing me the feelings that are hiding behind it. You are talking to me like you're giving a presentation on Calliope Torres but you're not really her. Can you relate to what I'm saying?"

Callie nodded, "I understand," she leaned forward a little, "I'm afraid… I'm afraid that if I do let my emotions go I won't come back. I'm afraid I'll drown in my own feelings, it's too much. I don't know where to start. When I open up just a little bit I get so angry and sad and disgusted. Either I get sucked into a flashback or it becomes so bad that I wake up hours later and I don't know what happened. It scares the living crap out of me." Callie had tears streaming down her face. Just talking about what might happen to her made her upset. She wasn't even talking about what happened but just talking about how it had affected her turned her into a mess. She sighed.

"That's why you are here, Callie. I'm here to catch you, I'm here to help you control your emotions. We'll take it easy but you're going to have to learn to elaborate on what I ask you. Give me some information to work with, okay?" Alyx smiled again and sat back in her chair.

Callie nodded in understanding. Even though it was going to be really hard for her to open up, she at least had to try.

"Great," Alyx's smile grew wider, "now, you've mentioned zoning out a couple of times, waking up somewhere and don't remember getting there. Can you tell me when this happens? Or what you feel when it happens?"

Callie thought back to some of the moments before she would zone out, taking a deep breath. "Well, it mostly happens when I'm emotional. Any kind of emotion really," Callie shrugged. Trying to elaborate but finding it harder that she thought it was, "Sometimes it happens after I have nightmares or flashbacks but sometimes it happens at work." Proud at herself for telling Alyx more than one sentence, she smiled.

"Do you feel it coming?" Alyx was writing franticly.

"Sometimes I do… I start staring into space and I feel a tension rising in my neck. I have a hard time concentrating on what's going on in the here and now. But sometimes I just wake up somewhere and I have to fill in the blanks in my head." Callie sighed, a sense of relief washed over her as she spoke about what was happening to her for the first time.

"Hmm.. okay. When you feel it coming, what do you do? Is there anything that helps you prevent it from really setting in?" Callie noticed Alyx leaning forward more.

"Uhm, yeah but it doesn't work all the times though. I try to shift my gaze a lot, trying to get out of the stare… I also try to crack my neck, which I'm so against as an orthopedic surgeon," this made Alyx laugh soflty, "but I feel like if I can release some tension I might not shift into the state." Alyx nodded.

"It's great that you have found some ways to prevent it, Callie, it really is. I know that right now it feels like you aren't doing anything. But other people have a hard time finding ways to stop it." Alyx smiled.

"Do you know what this is then?" Callie was searching for an answer.

"Yes, I do. You have an extraordinary defense mechanism. You've suffered such a trauma that your mind has find a way to block it all out. Your mind is telling you that it's too much, it's telling you that it can't handle anymore. That's why you find yourself shifting into the zone when there's a lot of emotions involved or after a nightmare/flashback. The medical term we use is; dissociation. It's a disorder. It can be looked at from two ways. Positive and negative, I think in your case it's both. It helps you to shut out any unwanted emotion but it also affects your daily live. Am I right?"

Callie just nodded, to stun at the information she just got.

"Besides that you're suffering from PTSD.-"Callie interrupted.

"Post-traumatic stress disorder", Alyx nodded her head.

"Correct, that explains the flashbacks and nightmares." Callie nodded, everything making a little more sense now.

"So… I'm not crazy?" Callie had been questioning her sanity for a while now.

Alyx laughed softly, "No Callie, you're not crazy at all. I don't know what happened to you but PTSD and Dissociation disorder are not diagnoses I make on patients who broke up with their boy or girlfriends." Another laugh.

Callie relaxed a little, hearing those words made her extremely happy. "That's good to know," she laughed softly.

"Now we know what we are dealing with I want to suggest something." Alyx wrote something down in her folder. "I want to suggest EMDR therapy. It's a therapy specialized for people who suffer from PTSD. You go back to the source of the nightmares and the flashbacks and you're going to learn to look at if without a load of emotion. It's scary and we won't start this right away but it's something I want you to think about. I'll give you some brochures and I'll get back to you about it in a month or so. Does that sound okay?" Alyx had a gentle smile on her face.

She was right, it did sound scary. Going back to the source. She swallowed, "I'm not going to say no right away but that doesn't sound like something I want to do. I want to get over it, not go back." Callie sighed, feeling panicky.

"I understand but the flashbacks and nightmares come from memories and events that took place that you have never really dealt with the right way. Just let it all sink in and we'll talk about in a month. We'll continue our weekly sessions maybe you'll change your mind." Again her smile. She smiled a lot, it was reassuring which was probably the intention of her smiles… to reassure.

"Okay," Callie nodded.

"Our time is up," She closed the folder, "It's important you just unwind and relax today Callie. You've opened up a lot today and you're probably going to be exhausted. Are you going to work, today?" Alyx asked concerned.

"No, I have a neighbor coming over for dinner later tonight." Callie smiled at the memory of her asking Arizona over.

"Oh, that's nice!" Alyx's smile grew wider.

"Same time next week?" Callie's smile matched hers.

"Yes, I'll write it down." Alyx went to her computer and typed on her keyboard. "Great, I'll see you next week!"

Callie grabbed her bag and her jacket and waved before exiting the office. Once outside she took in a deep breath of fresh air. She felt like the pressure on her shoulders was less. She was ready to just go home and relax.


End file.
